I travel next week, and for me meltdowns are a serious concern. When I reach a point of sensory overload there’s nothing left in me to hold myself together. I become non-verbal, what is called “selective mutism,” and I can’t talk if spoken to. Someone may say something like “Are you ok? Is something wrong? Can I help in some way?” but I’ve got nothing. I blankly stare, possibly shaking and crying. They dare not touch me, or things might not end well. The last thing I want is to be touched by someone when I’m having a sensory-overload experience.
 
With my partner, this is a non-issue, as he has been trained (by me) to know precisely how to help me safely navigate during challenging times like this. However, if I’m out in public, alone, a meltdown is the most terrifying experience I can imagine.
 
The last time I was in an airport I almost had a complete meltdown. It was mitigated by my catching myself in time and sitting on the ground, up against a wall, reminding myself to breathe deeply. I was able to get a friend on the phone who helped walk me through grounding myself, before it turned into a nightmare. Generally, I have a few moments/seconds before a full meltdown takes place. If I can’t regain control during this grace period, once the switch gets flipped and I go into a full meltdown- there is nothing I can do to come back until it runs its course. It can take anywhere from 30 minutes to a few hours once this occurs. 

​I’ve been inwardly toiling with the idea of “freedom” and what that means to me. For the past years I have felt so much like a prisoner within the confines of my relationships that I’m not even sure what freedom is quite yet. As a grown woman I should be making adult choices, but a child-like dynamic still seems to be the undercurrent in my personal life.
 
I still feel like I need to answer to whomever I’m with romantically at any given point,  placing their needs for safety and security above my own. It’s not healthy and I need to work on it.
 
Also, I want to have more adventures, but feel safe doing so. I’m not yet fully sure what this means, but I think it involves going out, socializing, and exploring more. Not being such a hermit. Yet, having Autism makes it so I need extreme recovery/home-time.

So I haven't figured out how to apply this radical plan of mine. 

What I do know, is that I'm not happy right now. It's as if I can see glimmers of it in the distance, but it has not fully materialized. 

I have yet to find freedom in patience, but guaranteed- I'm working on it.

I feel like I often let my family and friends down. They have expectations of me attending events or celebrating special days and by the time the event arrives, I’m exhausted. I’ve stressed out so much about showing up for them, being there, not wanting to let them down, that on the day of- I have nothing left to give. I’ve burnt out.
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If I attend anyway, I risk having an embarrassing meltdown. This makes things uncomfortable for them, and turns me into a spectacle. Having this happen, more than a few times in the past, has been absolutely horrible. Then, my family/friends get mad at me. They’ve said things like “Why do you always have to make it about you?” “You have energy to do other things. How come when it comes to us, you have meltdowns?” “Why does this always happen when you show up??”

It’s traumatic for them and me. It also makes me feel incredibly unwanted. I’ve actually felt that sparing them the embarrassment of having me there is my gift to them. But I’d love to be able to participate and have fun. They don’t know how badly I wish for this.

I seem to handle crisis situations better than planned events. When someone calls and needs me spontaneously, I deal with serious and challenging issues with ease. For some reason, I’m always able to provide exemplary services in this arena.

Daily tasks that unexpectedly arrive on my schedule that change up my routine, I struggle with.

I love routine. Routine is predictable. I get in a groove with a routine and it provides me with a sense of accomplishment.

Example:
Every Monday and Friday I work at the Driving School. Every day I do the very same tasks, exactly the same, each and every time. It is this level of predictability that brings me joy and helps me function well. However, holidays throw me off and are upsetting. I don’t want a day off. A day off for me is keeping my routine intact, not messing with it. To my Autistic brain, this is solace. A day where I have to improvise is not good for me, at all.

Things like this throw me off and I have to recover. I won’t fully recover until I am able to get back into the routine again. 

I sabotage myself often. Maybe because I am used to things not working out, to rather go down gently instead of the outer-world abruptly doing it, I handle it myself. I make sure to not ever get too excited or too sad about anything. This way I’m never too disappointed. Because of this, I don’t express emotion outwardly as others do. A total stranger recently watched me win money on a slot-machine in Vegas and said, “I’ve never seen anyone with such a poker-face. Usually when people win, they smile or get excited! You don’t. Why???” It was a valid question and made me think. Prompting my writing this.

As I thought more, I realized how others have mentioned that I’m a difficult person to read, or that they can’t tell what I’m thinking or feeling because I don’t show it. It’s created problems in friendships and relationships. On the flipside, I get frustrated with too much emotion expressed from those around me. I've actually ended relationships because of too much expressed emotionally instead of being processed logically.

I find emotion overly-dramatic if it comes from someone who expresses this way often.  I prefer clear communication. If someone is happy, I like them to tell me. If they are sad, I like them to say so and explain why, so that I can attempt to understand. For me, emotion is a more mentally processed thing. I find raw emotion tough to get to, and generally it doesn't arise from a place of sadness within me. 

If I am melting down, I may shut down completely and become non-verbal. Or, I may sob & shake uncontrollably. I suppose this is how and when my emotion comes out. I'm triggered in different ways, which I will eventually discuss in a post sometime.