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Where I'm brave.

It took me a long time to come out of the closet, but I had no energy left to exist in a neurotypical world without acknowledging my neurodiversity. I did my best, too long. WAY too long.
 
I don’t expect you or anyone to understand how I think, or accept it. I don't care. This is for me; anyone with Autism, anyone who loves someone with Autism, and anyone interested in understanding the brain of a woman with Autism. 
 
At this point on my journey, I’m proud of myself for still being here.

My hope is to keep doing greatness in the world. My goal is to keep inspiring others, keep shining light in the dark places still unknown about Autism and the human condition, and lift everyone I come in contact with up a bit higher than before meeting me. 

Here you will get a chance to read something I've never shared before... What it's like for me living my life with Autism. 


I'm scared of melting down in public.

1/8/2020

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I travel next week, and for me meltdowns are a serious concern. When I reach a point of sensory overload there’s nothing left in me to hold myself together. I become non-verbal, what is called “selective mutism,” and I can’t talk if spoken to. Someone may say something like “Are you ok? Is something wrong? Can I help in some way?” but I’ve got nothing. I blankly stare, possibly shaking and crying. They dare not touch me, or things might not end well. The last thing I want is to be touched by someone when I’m having a sensory-overload experience.
 
With my partner, this is a non-issue, as he has been trained (by me) to know precisely how to help me safely navigate during challenging times like this. However, if I’m out in public, alone, a meltdown is the most terrifying experience I can imagine.
 
The last time I was in an airport I almost had a complete meltdown. It was mitigated by my catching myself in time and sitting on the ground, up against a wall, reminding myself to breathe deeply. I was able to get a friend on the phone who helped walk me through grounding myself, before it turned into a nightmare. Generally, I have a few moments/seconds before a full meltdown takes place. If I can’t regain control during this grace period, once the switch gets flipped and I go into a full meltdown- there is nothing I can do to come back until it runs its course. It can take anywhere from 30 minutes to a few hours once this occurs. 

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Morning Thoughts - Freedom

6/17/2019

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​I’ve been inwardly toiling with the idea of “freedom” and what that means to me. For the past years I have felt so much like a prisoner within the confines of my relationships that I’m not even sure what freedom is quite yet. As a grown woman I should be making adult choices, but a child-like dynamic still seems to be the undercurrent in my personal life.
 
I still feel like I need to answer to whomever I’m with romantically at any given point,  placing their needs for safety and security above my own. It’s not healthy and I need to work on it.
 
Also, I want to have more adventures, but feel safe doing so. I’m not yet fully sure what this means, but I think it involves going out, socializing, and exploring more. Not being such a hermit. Yet, having Autism makes it so I need extreme recovery/home-time.

So I haven't figured out how to apply this radical plan of mine. 

What I do know, is that I'm not happy right now. It's as if I can see glimmers of it in the distance, but it has not fully materialized. 

I have yet to find freedom in patience, but guaranteed- I'm working on it.
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Expectations and the importance of routine

5/24/2019

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I feel like I often let my family and friends down. They have expectations of me attending events or celebrating special days and by the time the event arrives, I’m exhausted. I’ve stressed out so much about showing up for them, being there, not wanting to let them down, that on the day of- I have nothing left to give. I’ve burnt out.
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If I attend anyway, I risk having an embarrassing meltdown. This makes things uncomfortable for them, and turns me into a spectacle. Having this happen, more than a few times in the past, has been absolutely horrible. Then, my family/friends get mad at me. They’ve said things like “Why do you always have to make it about you?” “You have energy to do other things. How come when it comes to us, you have meltdowns?” “Why does this always happen when you show up??”

It’s traumatic for them and me. It also makes me feel incredibly unwanted. I’ve actually felt that sparing them the embarrassment of having me there is my gift to them. But I’d love to be able to participate and have fun. They don’t know how badly I wish for this.

I seem to handle crisis situations better than planned events. When someone calls and needs me spontaneously, I deal with serious and challenging issues with ease. For some reason, I’m always able to provide exemplary services in this arena.

Daily tasks that unexpectedly arrive on my schedule that change up my routine, I struggle with.

I love routine. Routine is predictable. I get in a groove with a routine and it provides me with a sense of accomplishment.

Example:
Every Monday and Friday I work at the Driving School. Every day I do the very same tasks, exactly the same, each and every time. It is this level of predictability that brings me joy and helps me function well. However, holidays throw me off and are upsetting. I don’t want a day off. A day off for me is keeping my routine intact, not messing with it. To my Autistic brain, this is solace. A day where I have to improvise is not good for me, at all.

Things like this throw me off and I have to recover. I won’t fully recover until I am able to get back into the routine again. 
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Sabotage and expressing emotion

5/24/2019

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I sabotage myself often. Maybe because I am used to things not working out, to rather go down gently instead of the outer-world abruptly doing it, I handle it myself. I make sure to not ever get too excited or too sad about anything. This way I’m never too disappointed. Because of this, I don’t express emotion outwardly as others do. A total stranger recently watched me win money on a slot-machine in Vegas and said, “I’ve never seen anyone with such a poker-face. Usually when people win, they smile or get excited! You don’t. Why???” It was a valid question and made me think. Prompting my writing this.

As I thought more, I realized how others have mentioned that I’m a difficult person to read, or that they can’t tell what I’m thinking or feeling because I don’t show it. It’s created problems in friendships and relationships. On the flipside, I get frustrated with too much emotion expressed from those around me. I've actually ended relationships because of too much expressed emotionally instead of being processed logically.

I find emotion overly-dramatic if it comes from someone who expresses this way often.  I prefer clear communication. If someone is happy, I like them to tell me. If they are sad, I like them to say so and explain why, so that I can attempt to understand. For me, emotion is a more mentally processed thing. I find raw emotion tough to get to, and generally it doesn't arise from a place of sadness within me. 

If I am melting down, I may shut down completely and become non-verbal. Or, I may sob & shake uncontrollably. I suppose this is how and when my emotion comes out. I'm triggered in different ways, which I will eventually discuss in a post sometime. 
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Join me on Twitter!

5/3/2019

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@WomanAspie is me on Twitter!
I’ve been enjoying it.

It’s been a great way to share, vent, express, and connect with others. The comments, responses, and camaraderie have been encouraging.

Please join and follow me there for more regular posting, and to stay connected. 

Thank you, as always, for your love and support.
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Narrowly escaped

2/26/2019

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One day I was at a local restaurant with a partner, a burger shack kind of place where you pick food up at the counter.

We placed our order, sat down to wait, then got our food.

Shortly thereafter I noticed a family, parents and a kid. A little girl, about 4 years old, under the table scream-crying, throwing a tantrum, for an extended period of time. The parents ignored her, letting her cry.

I however, couldn’t ignore her. She was disrupting the whole restaurant, right behind me.

Because of sensory issues, the sound of children often gets to me. Their high-pitched voices, sounds, and erratic movements set me off like nothing else. If I’m on high-alert, a meltdown is imminent. 

In this instance, I couldn’t leave. We just got our food and simply aimed to finish our meal, as we were hungry.

--- Like many of my extremes, often I wait too long before I eat. and don’t realize I’m hungry, until I’m extremely hungry. Which by this time, generally results in my being “hangry,” hungry-angry/emotional. Add fragile sensory issues and whatever is going on probably isn't gonna turn out wonderful. 

The kid wouldn’t stop. The parents wouldn’t handle it. It continued.

So, after a few long minutes, I finally turned around and said… ‘Some of us are attempting to have a pleasant time here.’

I was being tactful, because I didn’t say what I really wanted to, which was, 'Hey parents, your kid is being a little jerk and you're being bigger jerks for not dealing with the situation like good parents. Take your little brat to the car so those of us with sensory issues can function.' (What I wanted to say but didn't) So, I figured that I was being extraordinarily nice. 
 
The Mom replied defensively, ‘Excuse me???’

I said, ‘Can you take your kid outside or something?’

Apparently, again, the wrong thing to say.
 
She got up, right in my face, in MY PERSONAL SPACE (which is 2 feet from my body in comfortable environments, 3 feet from my body in uncomfortable scenarios.) To guard my space, I lifted my hands quickly in a defensive position to block her charging me.
 
“You hit me because my kid is crying?! I’m calling the cops!!!’
 
Not good. She got on the phone… minutes later, the police arrived.
 
Meanwhile, my partner (who ran a hospital,) pulled me out of the situation, let me meltdown, then attempted to calm me down... When the police arrived, they told me that they were not going to take me in, but could have.
 
Thankfully, had it not been for my neurotypical partner and his explaining to the officer that I have Autism, I would most likely have gone to jail that day for assault. Even though I didn't hit the woman, she charged me. But my natural reflexes to physically guard when someone comes into my personal space almost got me in trouble. When my arms flailed, I accidentally touched her, and this apparently would have put me at fault.

I’m not sure how I could have handled it differently, other than walking out as soon as the kid started crying… But I shouldn’t always have to leave places when a kid starts crying. It gets old and I'm tired of it. 
 
Why do I always have to have be the extra-careful one? Why does no one consider those of us with sensory issues?

I do my best to not to offend people, but who is considering me?
 
I need parents to be doing their best too, considering that their child may not be the only one experiencing upsetting issues which are uncontrollable in the moment. 

Thankfully in this instance I had someone with me, but if I hadn't, this story would have turned out much different. I'm thankful for the people in my life who protect me and know how to help when I'm in difficult public situations. 

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If the body isn't safe, we don't talk.

2/25/2019

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Have you ever felt unsafe in your body?
Until you have, you can’t possibly understand why someone with Autism might opt out of occupying theirs.

The body is a dense place, heavy. It’s not like Mind… Mind is a limitless super-highway of extraordinary opportunities and takes very little energy to be there.

Why would one occupy a dense body if they realize access to Mind?? Not just access, but direct-access, VIP style.
 
If someone with Autism isn’t talking, or not in their body, it’s because they are choosing to hang out somewhere less dense…
 
Wouldn’t you??
 
I’m not sure why society keeps attempting to force people with Autism into their body. Why aren’t we letting Autistic brains be where they are, and attempt to tap into what they have access to instead?
 
Are we thinking that everyone needs to learn how to function in their body, on their own, and become independent? Is this the goal from society for Autistic folks? That’s quite a bit like asking the internet to run a marathon, or win the Olympics.
 
The Autistic brain as a point of connection to Mind, similar to how a laptop accesses the internet via Wifi. The world might do well studying and attempting to understand it this way, instead of wanting to turn laptops (the Autistic brain) into stationary PC’s (neurotypicals.) 

Or, maybe we aren't talking because we don't need to, want to, or feel that you're worthy... Either way, there's a reason, and it's because we don't feel safe.

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February 23rd, 2019

2/23/2019

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You wouldn’t know, unless you spent a significant amount of time with me. Most people just like my honesty, forwardness, transparency. They're shocked by my openness. I’ve been told that I have a “child-like” nature, innocence. “Raea, you’re fascinating, possibly the most interesting woman I’ve ever met. Something is just different about you.”

Yeah. It’s Autism.

In short bursts I’m great to be around, but unless you’re willing to learn my schedule, programs, patterns and routines, you won’t be able to hang for long.

I didn’t know until I was at a friends’ house one day and picked up a book laying on the side-table and began reading. The character in the book thought and behaved precisely the way I would if placed in the same situations… For me to read something that mirrored my thoughts and behaviors so was incredible. I’d always considered myself unique, strangely different, I never considered the possibility of others like me.
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This little yellow unassuming book opened up a wormhole of learning about Autism (Aspergers specifically,) along with a powerful realization.

Nothing was ever the same after that. I had a new perspective. One that would lead to an eventual diagnosis and more complete understanding of myself than ever before.

I have much thanks to give to David Finch, author of “The Journal of Best Practices.” 
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It's exhausting.

2/23/2019

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Is reading people exhausting? 
No. Reading people is the most natural thing that I do. I'm happiest when I do my "thing" and reading people is my "thing." 

Most people with Autism hyper-focus on a specific thing or things, and often excel or are highly knowledgeable about that thing/set of things. 

Since my near death experience, reading people has been what I've excelled at more than any other thing in my life. Yes, I love Mycology, learning about wild gourmet mushrooms. Photography, cooking and spending time in deep nature, but beyond that, my passion is learning about humans. 

Psychology has always fascinated me, but more than that, I'm interested in the energy of humans and how that compels them to think the way they do, resulting in their actions and behaviors which then become the story of their life.

The energy of humans, along with the human condition and behaviors that coincide are what fascinate me. 

I see energy. To understand what I was seeing, I had to work with many people to form a point of reference. Similar to building a language, I developed a system as to understand what I was seeing, while observing the energy of humans. 

I discovered, after reading thousands of people, that my work was accurate. Always. Never not. I never misread or interpreted the energy I was seeing inaccurately. This validated questions I had about myself, like 'If I'm the only one seeing the way I do, is it possible I'm crazy?' (Mind you, this was all in question before I discovered my diagnosis.) 

Let me backtrack...

I learned that I have Autism, just a few years ago. My entire life was spent misdiagnosed, until I died, was resuscitated, and I spent years thereafter searching for answers about myself.

I wanted to know why I saw the way I did, why I experienced life so differently than the general population and what these differences were. I desperately sought to know.

As I explored, finding out that I have Autism was only one of the wild things along the way. Granted, it's been HUGE. Probably one of most massive understandings of my life, but there's more... definitely more. So much more. 

Autism affects every second of my day, every single thought, every move, ever. 

I am hyper-conscious of each movement of my body, every thought that comes to mind related to how my actions/words/presentation is observed and/or affecting others.

I keep to myself and keep my energy out of the field of others, unless it is absolutely necessary that we interact with one another. 

I am exhausted by Autism, not my work as an intuitive.

Living with Autism is a constant job of living hyper-focused, or out of my body. The only reason I appear to be better at functioning is because I choose to live in my body more than some others with Autism. This is the only reason I may appear to function better/more appropriately than your mute cousin. 










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Yeah, I have Autism

2/23/2019

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I went to a store after being in my house for weeks. The lights, sounds, smells, energy, all too much. I felt myself crashing, on the verge of a meltdown. Everything closing in, I got a sharp pain in my head, like someone jabbing me in the brain. Physical pain. Thankfully, I had someone to help get me safely out of there, this time…
 
The lights flicker, sounds like a wah-wah pedal on an electric guitar, over and over.
 
People, too many. So many faces. Too many bodies. Too much… Perfume, fake smells. Lights flashing... Flashing… “Maam, can I help you? Is there something I can help you find? You ok? Maam?”
 
‘No, I’m not ok. No, you can’t help me find anything. No, you can’t help. NO, You can’t FUCKING help this. I’m just trying to get my groceries and get the hell out of here… Please stop talking to me. I didn’t come in here to talk. I’m here to shop… Please, stop trying to sell me things. I need you to back OFF.’  But I can’t say this… or I’m targeted, rude. Not ok. Out of line- the freak.

To the point of, me sitting here instead, on this red comfy couch, paralyzed on a Friday night. Alone, again. I’m not able to go out, because I will melt down in public if I’m out by myself.

I stay put, in my cage. Trapped in the house, body, human…

I don’t leave because I’m unfamiliar with this area where I recently moved. It’s unknown and I’m not comfortable navigating here yet.

Navigating a new place puts me on ‘high-alert’ which takes more energy to sustain and always is the precursor to a meltdown. For the Neurotypical to understand, it may be akin to doing something incredibly stressful/risky after working a 70 hour week with zero sleep.

When experiencing sensory overloaded in a public place, I’m not sure what I’ll do. Everything closes in on me and my body takes over. I no longer have body control. I become terrified, thrust into fight/flight… mute or screaming at the top of my lungs, shaking uncontrollably, or paralyzed. Running, or unable to move… If someone speaks to me when I’m in this state, I most commonly can’t respond. If I’m still speaking, I’m not completely melted. However, I never know how I will react. Each time can be different based on the situation/surroundings.

From the outside looking in, you’d never know I deal with this. No one ever knows I deal with this. Not unless I tell them. Even after I do, I generally hear “You don’t look like you have Autism. My cousin has Autism. He can’t talk. You don’t have Autism, it must be in your head.”

This is not something I want other people to witness or deal with. It’s scary, for me and them. So, I go places with someone who knows my sensory challenges. Unless I’m incredibly comfortable with a location, surroundings, and people within it, I don’t go alone, I just don’t.

So, I should just pull it together, because I don’t LOOK like I have Autism… But your kid scream-crying on the jet I have to take for work, the nasty perfume you poured on, and the guy loudly snoring beside me is completely acceptable... Got it.
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    Raea 

    I'm a woman living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Aspergers, revealing some of my challenges, joys, experiences and everything in between. 

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